A LONG QUIET HIATUS |
What is Hiatus? From my understanding, hiatus is about not doing anything that we used to for a long time. It is not a long time actually for me. Just a word that suits my temporary condition.
According to Little Oxford English Dictionary, Hiatus is a pause or a gap in a series or sequences.
As I said it was temporary because many thing happened through out this year including Movement Control Order that begins early this March. This MCO put a lot of us including me struggle to survive this kind of situation. MCO were happened and still happen in here due to higher cases of Covid 19. The struggling that we most had are mentally and economic. People are struggling to maintain their economy, studies, career even private life.
During these days, I barely show up myself because I have fall to a very deep hole. This order affect my mental badly. I don’t have stable emotions to think straight and positive. I felt so lonely that I preferred to be left alone. I don’t want to think and share anything the problems I had with anyone. I tried many times to be positive but I always got the negatives instead. It is very hard to stay away from overthinking. I kept blaming myself over the thing happened when I was a student. I failed to make me people proud of me.
Blaming myself is the easiest way to run from this small world. I don’t know why people are making distance with me. It is because I don’t understand they want or something that I have done wrongly. These kind of question always wandering in my mind. So I try to focus more on what I love to do including blogging.
I have post many new recipes I tried during first MCO. It includes my other hobby; baking. I used to baked a lot before I got my fixed job. I always learn and try the desserts recipes by looking on Pinterest. I still do watching short videos how to make simple desserts. Of course, the one that I like most. I really missed the moment where I got up early to make egg tarts. The only dessert I do best. So, I take an initiative to start it again from scratch.
After that, the loneliness hit me very hard. I do have friends but a close one. I got none. So, to ease my loneliness, I download a game, MMORPG games. The games are called Laplace M. In this game, I gained new friends, fun and happiness. But sometimes, the game alone didn't enough to fill my loneliness. Besides, I also watched a lot of K-dramas and anime to curb it.
A lots of things that I have left behind while struggling to be positive. Blog, Nurraysa even a piece of my life. I love to write and read but this feeling make me stop from doing anything and everything that comes to my life. I always thought poor my blog, I left it without update any entry. Eventhough, I got a lot of ideas and draft waiting in my dashboard. I don't know how to handle my stress. I can’t control it like I want. Sometimes, I want to run away from all my problems that surfaced. I got stucked at one place all of my life. Just one mistake. It costs everything.
So, the conclusion is I am trying to get out from this miserable condition. To heighten my confidence level and faced the problem with courage. Not just that, I will try my best to be in POSITIVE auras. Staying away from negatives especially the depression. I hope I can discipline myself by controlling my emotional and stress. Lets hope the best. Fighting!
Lots of LOVE,
Mardhiyyah Rosli
